When John finally awoke it felt like he had been asleep for days. He took inventory of the most basic things. Where was he? Who was he? Was this all some strange dream? It’s like he had been stuck in this crazy loop for years! As he looked around he recognized certain familiar things, starting with the inside of the old Air Stream trailer. That’s right, he was alone now – Roscoe, the dog, had passed a few years prior and the cat had departed shortly after. He dreamed about them all of the time and missed them as part of his traveling caravan. He thought of acquiring some new pets, but hadn’t made the commitment as of yet. Who was he? Just who was John River? In this moment he honestly didn’t know or almost even care. He had been in this purgatory for so long sometimes he just wanted to be done with it. He looked at the calendar pinned up on the wall in front of him. March 20, 2021. Then to the digital clock, which reported 5:01 a.m.
Where was he? He raised the curtain and looked out of the dusty window. He was in the country and had a faint memory of driving into the night down a dark gravel road. He assumed he was somewhere in the Southwestern US, since this was his main loop of travel. and figured he was in close proximity to route 66, his road most traveled. There were no empty bottles lying around, nevertheless he felt hung over. He started to move around the RV to clear the cobwebs. He opened the door and ventured outside. Where there used to be the old Dodge Ram pickup hooked to the trailer, it was now an old Chevy Silverado. Making the distinction between the two was difficult right now. He walked up to the driver’s side window and reached in and opened the door. There was a quarter tank of fuel left in the truck. At least he could get out of here when he was ready. He sat down in the drivers seat and leaned his head back against the headrest. Out of nowhere he started to sob. He banged his hand on the steering wheel. Why did he feel this way? Then the memories started to return. It was that Sage voice person. No, she wasn’t a person at all! He honestly didn’t know how to describe her. She had said he was shutdown.
From the best of John’s understanding Sage was a voice from the Mother Earth. She was coming to him to communicate some messages. Apparently they had been trying a long time to reach him and he was too resistant to hear the messages. Or, maybe too shutdown to remember what he was here to do. To say his life was a living hell was not completely true, but in some way this was what he was feeling right now. He couldn’t stop crying as a feeling of hopelessness cascaded through his nervous system. What was he supposed to remember? And this was the loop of his life going back as long as he could remember! There was a feeling he was waiting for something. Waiting to wake up, and a hopeless feeling that he wasn’t going to wake up. Was it just him? Was he the only person who lived with this feeling?
To compound the stress of it all there were the increasing messages from Sage that John was from a family of beings that were alien-like. She called them elemental beings, and that he belonged to a family that were closest to the water beings, or at least he seemed to have these meetings with them inside the earth in an underground spring-like place. This made matters all the more difficult for John, because the experiences he had when he met these underwater beings were like nothing he had ever experienced. He longed to feel the deep feeling of love that he felt when they touched his heart.
The last thing he remembered Sage saying to him was something about him being a gatekeeper or guardian of some portal or bridge between worlds. What could that really mean? This was like some mythological sequence that did not compute for John. Was something like this possible?
For the last ten years John’s life was full of these stranger-than-life experiences. Several times he had pleaded that he’d hold no more resistance and that he would do as instructed, then he would be left alone for awhile only to have another bizarre experience, like he was being tested in some way. Like they were waiting for him to become someone else. John didn’t think that was going to happen and each time he returned to his “normal” life he felt more despair and hopelessness for life in general.
As he sat behind the wheel of the Chevy pickup he slumped over with his forehead resting on the steering wheel. Suddenly through the radio he heard a familiar voice. It was Sage and she said, “It’s time to wake up, John River!”
Desensitized to the point of disinterest John said, “What? I don’t remember anything new. Please forgive me if I sound ungrateful, but I am having a tough time this morning as I replay my life!”
“I understand. I would feel the same way. Nobody said this was going to be easy. That was never promised. You were discouraged from attempting this experience, but it is your nature to care and wish to help, and you desired to try.”
“What? What is my nature?” John felt himself surrendering into the hopeless feeling. Sinking like he was in the underground spring, not breathing and not caring, like he was choosing to drown. But he knew he couldn’t escape the futility of his fate. These energies and this situation were not going to let him get away. It wasn’t that easy! Maybe this is karma?
“Go ahead sink into the familiar place, let the fluid enter your lungs. At least you do not fear this place. This is one of the biggest hurdles in remembering. It encompasses the experience of birth and death in one breath.”
John gulped a deep breath and his lungs burned. Everything became suspended in a fluid-like atmosphere. There were bubbles all around him. Was he in a dream? He opened his eyes. He was not in the pickup. Darkness surrounded him, and a tiny dot of light was in the distance. He was breathing in slow motion. All of the sounds were echo’s, like inside a deep water submarine. There was a sticky substance around his ears and covering his eyes. The warm fluid was burning his throat. He started throwing something up and he couldn’t breathe anymore. It hurt. He was floating again. Surrender. Maybe this was death. He could hear a thump, thump, thump getting louder and louder. He strained to see and the light took on a bright blue quality. It was pretty. Mesmerizing! He was moving towards the light. He tried to touch his body. He was definitely not in the pickup truck. John was not afraid. All he could think was, “I want to remember! I am ready! Take me. Show me. I’ll die. I’ll be born. I don’t care.”